Momfession #52: Married with children

I’ve had several conversations lately with friends, colleagues, and even my husband around marriage. As in, what makes a good marriage? What to look for in a partner? How do you keep the marriage going through all that life has to dump on offer us? After each of these conversations, I realized something that I thought too important not to discuss. Many of us feel less-than-satisfied about our relationships from time to time. Some people suffer only the occasional relationship slump, while others are dealing with major, possibly life-changing relationship issues. But no one (that I’ve talked to, at least) has a perfect relationship situation.

So why, then, don’t we talk about it more? I find that pretending a relationship is “perfect” happens so much more often than the “perfect parenting” that I write about. On the outside, many couples look like they have it all: an amazing relationship, happy kids, a lovely home, great jobs. But no one talks about the fact that behind the closed doors of their fabulous home lie sexless nights, arguments, and feelings of dissatisfaction.

So let me be the first to admit that my relationship isn’t perfect. I love my husband dearly, and I know he loves me, but there are times when we really don’t like each other. I have a tendency to score-keep (I washed the dishes, made dinner, did two loads of laundry, and all he did was POUR THE MILK= 3-1. What an ass.) and am extremely controlling (as in, everything needs to be done the right way, RIGHT NOW). While he isn’t the greatest communicator and tends to hold grudges. Pair those awesome qualities with two children that love to argue, two full-time jobs, finances to manage, a four bedroom house to clean, dance/karate/swimming/therapy appointments, and a cat that lives to piss us off (literally), and you end up with some not so great moments. There are many nights when we sleep in separate rooms, often with one or more children by our side. We often go days without having a real conversation. I sometimes feel like I haven’t really looked at my husband in a very long time. And sex? It comes and goes, mostly depending on how exhausted I am from the day’s activities.

It might sound like a pretty dismal circumstance, to an outsider. But I am pretty sure that these are all things that most married couples with kids could attest to. Marriage isn’t easy, and once you have kids, forget about it. Life is no longer about you as a couple; it is about you as a family. And often times, the couple part gets put on the back burner for a few years. I think the key to surviving the child-rearing years as a couple is to understand that it won’t last forever. I read a quote somewhere a few years ago that has stuck with me. It goes something like, the days are long, but the years are short. And when it comes to marriage and kids, that is absolutely true. I know I am going to turn around one day and my kids will be grown. I am sure I’ll be a bit saggier and my husband perhaps a bit rounder around the midsection, but we’ll be alone again. And we’ll be able to look back at a beautiful, totally fucked up life that we stumbled through together. The journey is anything but pretty, but remembering that life is not about one single bad day/week/month helps to keep me going through the rough times. And to be honest, it also helps knowing that others have dealt with similar challenges.

So that’s where you come in. Tell me I am not alone. Tell me that you and your husband/wife/partner have had similar issues. Comment below and let’s band together in our imperfect relationships. Who’s with me??

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Author: momfessional

Just an unperfect mom in an unperfect world. What`s YOUR momfession? http://themomfessional.com/

12 thoughts on “Momfession #52: Married with children”

  1. I don’t have children but I’m married and Im definitely with you….right now I have been married for 6 months and all I can think is this sucks and why did I want this so bad?

    1. It always seems so much better as a fantasy in your head. Reality is sooo much more disappointing! It can still be good, don’t get me wrong. But it will never live up to the fantasy. Thanks for your comment!

      1. Your welcome. It was our reality short lived for us. They say in marriage a successful one means you fall in and out of love with the same person over and over. Im waiting for that to happen…

      2. It isn’t easy, especially when you are in a challenging situation like yours. Our first year of marriage was anything but easy; I became an instant mom (to my husband`s young son) which was extremely difficult to adjust to. It takes time.

      3. Likewise, only I don’t feel like “mom”. Not even “step”. I feel like an outsider that intruded on my husbands precious relationship with his son. It is like he is married to him. He would rather spend time with his son and he said so on Valentine’s Day and our one year anniversary this weekend. (we married less than a year after being together). Sucks for him because his son did not want to spend time with him. Karma…my husband has a “mine” complex. He refers to his son as “my” son as if I tend to forget that he seems to not only volunteered his sperm but may have been the one to give birth too.

        Forgive me for my ranting…

      4. It`s OK. I think it will definitely take time. I am guessing he has spent years with just his son, raising him, protecting him, loving him, and it is going to take a while for him to adjust to a new life where he needs to let someone else into the picture. Think of things from his perspective. I used to feel the same way, and even now, almost seven years later, I still do sometimes. The parent-child bond is the strongest one there is, even stronger than the bond that you will ever share with your husband. I can attest to that.

  2. I made a comment a little while ago about how my husband and I have a pretty great Bromance going on. 🙂 Meaning – there was very little romance in our lives at that moment… But, like you, I know it will pass. Our Valentine’s Day was a major NON-event. And a friend of mine texted me to tell me how romantic hers was. Bah!

    So I sent my husband an email saying I thought we needed to make time for each other again. Of course, by the time evening rolled around, I was too tired. 😛 Luckily, he is patient. And we both love each other so we know this, too, shall pass.

  3. You’re awesome lady!!! And I’m totally with you. We are kidless, but definitely share many of the same struggles. Being married is the hardest job you’ll ever love. And I totally agree with you about the view and perspective we’ll have one day….looking back at the long, difficult, muddled, dirty, chaotic journey, and we’ll look at one another….scruffed up and a little worse for wear…and we’ll be able to say “Look where we came from. Look what we went through. Look where we are.” It really is all about the journey. Amazing post!! Totally needed to read it today!

    I have friends that are engaged, planning a wedding soon….and I want to say to them “It’s so much more than a wedding. It’s more than picking out bridesmaid dresses and first dances and all that stuff.” But I don’t, because planning a wedding is a special time for people. (And don’t even tell me they haven’t argued about wedding font on invitations….her because she wanted calligraphy, not sans serif….and him because ‘whogivesafuck about wedding stationery font anyhow??’….or argued about guest lists or seating charts “No you cannot put your drunk-ass college roommate beside my super-hot single friend”…..or whatever.)

    When women are unsure (and yes, you should be unsure, or perhaps hesitant – at least for one brief, fleeting, moment before you get married….where you ask yourself “Do I really seriously have any idea what this is all about? Am I ready for this??”), I want to tell them about the hard stuff. The messy stuff. Not to scare them…but to let them know in advance that “Yes, challenges and second-guessing is normal.”

    Not that you will have the answers in advance, no matter how hard you prepare yourself, because you won’t. But no one in their right minds wants to imagine the REALITY of life and marriage. We think of old people, holding hands, sharing tea on a beautiful front porch. Smiling at each other. Dancing at grandchildren’s weddings. Wearing bad shoes and khaki pants and learning about birds or something. What we sure as hell don’t think of is what we will feel like and what our marriage will look like if we find out one of our kids has autism, or our teenager is diagnosed with depression, or one of our parents dies (which is amazing that we don’t think of this, because EVERYONE’s parents die, don’t they?), or one of us gets laid off, or our dog needs a $5000 surgery, or when your husband gets hit by a car while he is working to protect the community as a police officer and breaks his neck and needs surgery to implant a permanent plate and 9 screws into his shattered leg and all of a sudden you literally have to help him go to the bathroom, which is now in the form of a portable toilet in your bedroom.(sorry for the detail on the last one…..that was our burden for 2012!)

    Congratulations and bravo, for writing a post that is real. That is beautiful. And that is honest.

    Celebrating a beautiful messy reality is way more liberating than hiding behind a forced facade, don’t you think?? Cheers to you – I’m pouring a glass of wine right now!

    1. Awesome! Thanks a million for the comment. I can’t imagine having to take care of my husband like you had to…my hubby broke his wrist this summer and I had a hard enough time dealing with that! So glad there are other women who feel the same…I definitely prefer celebrating the f-ed up mess that we call life than pretending everything is “perfect”! Cheers!

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