Momfession #11: Tear-less and Guilty

split chin stitches
Kailyn in the ER before the stitches

In her short 21 months, my toddler has already experienced two “big” accidents. This summer, she fell into our pool. And last week, she stood on a chair, flipped it over and split her chin (requiring an ambulance ride, three hour stint in the ER and five stitches). Here’s the thing…in both situations, I wasn’t fazed. When she fell in the pool, I calmly jumped up, reached in and yanked her out (with the help of my future brother-in-law). And when she fell last week, I was actually sitting right next to her. I scooped her up, saw the giant gash in her chin, calmly told my six-year-old to get the phone, and called my husband and an ambulance. I even had to hold her down and watch while the doc stitched together her little chin (the whole time she was screaming my name); I didn’t cry one bit. I feel guilty that I wasn’t more upset. What kind of mother doesn’t cry when her baby gets hurt?! But to me, it is all part of the job. I am the one who takes care of things. I am the one who holds it all together. I am the one who my kids depend on to be stable and level-headed. Did my daughter’s anguish bother me? Of course. But for some reason, I just don’t get emotional about it. Sometimes, I feel like a cruel mom because of that. Other moms out there…tell me I am not alone!

Momfession #10: “F” word

f word

I got this note from my son’s teacher the other day. My momfession? I laughed when I read it. Then, I called my husband and said, “I can’t believe it took him this long to learn the f-word…WTF?!?”

I asked my son why he said it, and he told me that a friend told him to. Then he said, “It’s weird Mommy…it doesn’t SOUND like a bad word!” Quickly followed by, “but don’t worry Mommy, I won’t say the ‘s’ word though, cause that’s REALLY bad.” (and by “s” word, he means “stupid”). Man, I love that kid!

Momfession #9: Why you little….

homer and bart

Sometimes, I want to strangle my toddler. Thank god.

Let me explain. When I first met my step-son, he was 18-months-old. He was so damn cute and awesome and it didn’t take long for me to love him. But there were days I wanted to strangle him (and still do!). Since I wasn’t his natural mom, there was always a tiny part of me that thought I had less patience for him because he wasn’t biologically “mine”. He has always been a really high energy kid, needing lots of attention and has had some behavioural issues in daycare and school. We have had some tough times in the last few years…and there have been times when I struggled to “like” my son.

When Kailyn was born, I was worried that I would love her more than I loved my son. I think every mom worries that they will love their kids differently and my situation didn’t make things any easier. And yes, there were lots of times that I felt Kailyn was just easier to be around. I mean, she was a baby that didn’t do much except sleep and be cute…who wouldn’t want to hang out with that when your six-year-old is throwing a fit about having to clean his room?

But I am happy to report that things have changed and I get equally annoyed with both of my kids now. Kailyn is deep into her terrible twos and pretty much lives to piss me off these days. She is cute as hell but if I have to tell her one more time not to spit on the floor I am going to scream. I definitely don’t like her in those moments. But, like the moments with my son, they pass. Before I know it, I am over it and back to being a mom who likes her kids again.

So yeah, I don’t like my kids sometimes. But at least I dislike them equally, and not too often.

Momfession #8: Name calling

first words

My daughter’s first word was “Da-da” (said on my husband’s birthday, no less…what a daddy’s girl). Her second word was “Wee-ca” (Willie cat…our cat). Somewhere around her 10th word was when she finally said “Ma-ma”. But even after she said it, the word was uttered rarely, if ever. I spent the first 18 months or so of her life desperately longing to hear her call my name.

My son, if you don’t know, is actually my step-son. So, it was years before he called me Mommy (first it was a garbled version of Colleen, then it was Mommy Colleen and around the age of three I became “Mommy”). I cried when he first said it…it was an utterly amazing feeling.

Now, I feel downright guilty to admit that there are times I feel like I am going to scream if I hear the word “mommy” one more time. From morning to night, it is always mommy…Mommy, milk! Mommy, come! Mommy, can I have a snack? Mommy, can I go on a bike ride with Daddy? (SERIOUSLY?? He’s RIGHT THERE…ask HIM!) mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…..

I love that my kids need me. I love that my kids love me to death. But there are times that I just want a break from all the name calling.

Call me selfish. Call me terrible. Call me ungrateful. Just don’t call me mommy… at least not while you`re screaming, whining or crying. I`ve heard it enough today!


Momfession #7: Hey, jealousy

I have become *that* woman. The one who gets jealous of the younger, skinnier, sexier, and yes….childless…woman.

It all started recently when I found out that a friend split from his wife a few months ago and already had a girlfriend. Now, I am not friends with his wife and I have no idea what happened in their relationship but I found myself getting mad. I immediately made the assumption that his new girlfriend was younger, hotter and likely childless. I was really angry and downright jealous. I found myself thinking, “hmmm, must be nice to have some chick with no responsibilities who exists just to please you!” I mean really…wouldn’t it be nice if all I had to worry about in a given day was making myself look cute for my husband? Sadly, that is usually the last thing on my mind. Who cares about looking cute when there are dishes to wash, diapers to change and screaming children to tend to?

So, I got jealous. And I told my husband about how I was feeling. And here’s  what he said (badly paraphrased but you’ll get the gist)…

Yeah, I’m sure some people would love to have a young, hot girlfriend. Maybe it would be exciting for a while to have someone who was so into you, and wanted to please you all the time. But you know what? I would be sad. I would miss my kids. I would miss the relationship with my wife. It wouldn’t be worth it to me.

So yeah, I do get jealous when I see some young, cute girl who seemingly doesn’t have a care in the world. There are moments that I long to be her. But those moments are fleeting. As crazy as my life is, and as much as I really need a pedicure and a shower right now, I’ve got it pretty good. My husband can be a pretty forgetful guy but he is really good at reminding me how lucky I am, at the times I need it most.

Momfession #6: TV (*gasp!*)

This momfession comes from mommy friend and blogger Heather. She says it really well so here we go:

I let Anna watch TV. In fact, sometimes I put the Wiggles on just to get a break for a moment. Honestly – the days are LONG when it’s just me and Anna and she wants to be entertained ALL. THE. TIME. 
After doing almost everything I can think of (and I’m so not a wonderful, perfect, crafty Mom who can create all the most amazing sensory play ideas in the world for her), I just don’t want to sit in the car for an hour while she plays with the steering wheel and mirrors – AGAIN. Sometimes, I’m too hot or tired to play at the park for another hour. Sometimes I don’t want to fight with her. So when she begs to watch TV… I let her.
Sigh. I wish I was perfect. But I ain’t. So my 19 month old watches TV.
I concur, Hez. My kids watch TV and let me tell you…it’s not all educational (as much as I try to convince myself that my son can learn the difference between right and wrong by watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles he is probably just learning the proper way to wield nunchuks or throw one of those ninja star thingys). After her nap, my 21-month-old daughter runs around the house shouting “SpongeBob!” or “Swiper no swipe!” until I turn on the TV (at which point, she demands a bowl of goldfish because really, who wants to watch TV without a snack?).
So yep, I too let my kids watch TV. But how else am I supposed to distract them while I am making brinner?
Kailyn and Gabriel spending some quality time with the TV

Momfession #5: Brinner

breakfast for dinner

This momfession came from my friend and fellow mom Caroline. OK so everyone does it once in a while…the old breakfast-for-dinner routine (brinner? brupper?). Well, I do it a lot. I’m talking like once a week. It is just so easy and it is one of the only meals that I don’t hear whining, complaining, or random threats (“I’m just going to sit here…you can’t MAKE me eat this” is the most popular right now). I mean, it’s not that bad, right? You have your protein (eggs), your grains (toast), your dairy (margarine? OK I am stretching here), your…umm…

OK I never said it was healthy. But eggs and toast for dinner is a family pleaser, and sometimes I am just not in the mood for a fight. I figure, that’s what they make multivitamins for…right?

Momfession #4: Nighttime hellos

Some nights, I wake up my kids just so I can say “hi”. Most of the time, it starts off innocently enough: I will go in my toddler’s room to check on her, and see her move slightly when she hears me come in. Then, I straighten her blanket and she changes positions again…this time with a little smile on her face. At that point, I just HAVE to yank that teddy bear out from under her head (what if she gets a neck cramp?) and not so quietly rearrange the pants in her dresser. And then, “Oh- Kailyn…you’re awake? Shhh go back to sleep baby…mommy loves you.” She usually smiles and says “Hi Mommy” before drifting back to sleep. My son, on the other hand, sleeps like a rock. But if I do manage to wake him up, he always greets me with a smile and an “I love you.” I know I shouldn’t do it, but those sleepy moments are just so precious. I can’t help it!

Kailyn and Gabriel trying to get some sleep

Momfessional #3: going to the gym

Sometimes, I go to the gym just so I can shower. I might do a quick workout (does two laps in the pool count?), but really I am there for the shower. A clean, toy-free shower. Towels I don’t have to wash when I am done. A lovely, kid-free area to dry my hair, apply makeup and feel like a lady…and not just a mom. It doesn’t hurt that the showers have those nice rain showerheads. Ah bliss.

Momfession #2: Dish laziness

Today, as I was unloading the dishwasher I pulled out a dirty dish. The same dirty dish that came out of the dishwasher dirty earlier in the week, and the week before that. I have washed the same dish in the dishwasher three times, instead of just hand washing the crustiness away. Oh and even though it isn’t completely clean, it  is now back in the cupboard with the other dishes. How’s that for lazy?